What am I missing?

 

I’m a woman, wife, mother to a six-year old daughter, former journalist, a current professor/psychotherapist.  In addition to my own private practice and teaching psychology at a local college, I run a mediocre instagram account that began as a Bravo fanpage to escape the seriousness of my day-to-day realities.  Due to the toxic climate Scandoval spawned, what started as a low quality Bravo/Slice page quickly and almost savagely evolved into something standing for opposing opinions.  The biggest opposition is my plight against many of the baseless and downright mean accusations against Tom Sandoval.   

 

Each day my feed blows up with posts saying things like:

    “Tom Sandoval needs to go away.  He’s the biggest narcissist I’ve ever seen!” 

        “Rachel is a who*re” 

         “Tom Sandoval is just plain evil and should suffer” 

 

As a feminist and a mental health clinician,  I support victims of narcissism, abuse and marginalization.   I’ve seen it firsthand and I’ve seen some really ugly sides of it.  Like the really, really ugly sides.  While Lala Kent is much more privy to the ins-and-outs of Sandoval’s personality, I find it wild that she equates his cheating to “seriously dangerous behavior” and places him in the company of men that have sought out and groomed underage girls or have been highly abusive partners.  While nothing he did was upstanding, the two are not the same.  Narcissism, the label that’s been thrown around the most throughout this, is not a black and white diagnosis.  In fact, a little research shows that it represents a very small population.  Even Dr. Drew, a seasoned professional with years of both education and clinical exposure to sociopaths, did not diagnose Tom with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

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Though it must be true, right?  Most of those labeling him have experienced it firsthand or read a psychology book so they know.

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It makes me think of one of the first things I learned in grad school while training to be a therapist: the importance of being aware of and understanding one’s own biases and triggers so that you don’t paint every situation with the same brush.  Tom is not my ex-boyfriend and he’s not yours, either.  If you have those “feels” towards him, which are perfectly valid, it might be a sign of unhealed relational trauma.  One must differentiate that he is not the cheater we dealt with in our past.    Breaking him down is not going to do anything to heal our wounds.  Our narrative is not part of his, and while we are all “Ariana” to some degree, we also are not.   

 

In my professional opinion, most of the Vanderpump Rules cast (like most humans) exhibit some NPD qualities.  Is it possible that Tom is not a narcissist but rather someone who just fell out of love and made a crappy decision?  I’d say yes, but that’s harder to sit with.  It's normal to want reasons and answers to questions that are much worse and harder to move through when they remain unknown.   However, it is common for both men and women to enter into an existential crisis in their early 40s.  This is when the  world as we know it shifts.  Primary family units evolve or lose members, friends become engrossed in their own lives and many people come to the harsh realization that this might be as good as it gets.  Suddenly the drive to do “all the things” is more urgent: limited by time, finances, growing responsibilities and even abilities.  It’s possible Tom was feeling all of these things, and it’s actually not really all that uncommon.  Does it make it right?  Probably not, but excuses and reasons are two very different things.   

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The aforementioned diagnostic debate doesn’t and shouldn’t lessen where many of us stand on female issues.  Empathizing with Tom and not expressing hatred doesn’t mean we are less feminist.  While I believe that Tom Sandoval also deserves compassion that does not mean I support what he did.  My support for the brokenness of a person and my fight for equality does not have to be mutually exclusive.  I can recognize that, while we’ve come far thanks to trailblazers like Rosa Parks, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Hailey Wickenheiser, we still have a long, long way to go. One key difference, however,  between those individuals and what we are seeing now, is that they supported ALL women.  They didn’t pick and choose, bully and lash out at anyone with a different opinion.  They also didn’t continuously drag men or a single man to prove their points.  This scandal that began as a “let’s lift up Ariana” moment has incited a cult-like following that has been tough to reconcile.  Dare anyone speak up, let alone take opposition or have a slight difference of opinion they are chastised, squashed and ridiculed.   The club’s new mandate looks less like female empowerment and more like “think alike, act alike and fall in line.” That’s not feminism.  It’s fear based indoctrination that historically delivers a bad outcome.

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For months celebrities have donned sweatshirts reading “Team Ariana” and “Tom Sucks.” These phrases have become symbolic of women empowerment, strength and connection.  Various stories showcasing Ariana’s comeback were paired against those enumerating Sandoval and Raquel’s depravity.  What began as lifting a woman up during a horrible breakup moment turned vicious and cruel.  I can’t remember how many times I personally was blocked or deleted for commenting that “enough was enough” for the relentless personal attacks on Tom and Rachel on Bravo fanpages.  The Bravoverse wasn’t ready to acknowledge that in the process of growing their “so-called” brands, someone they had previously cared about was institutionalized and the other was contemplating suicide.  Nobody seemed to bat an eye; instead, they increased their real estate portfolios.

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Throughout the past year there's also been a shift in social media. What was once a light form of entertainment has become a toxic battlefield that enables the public to annihilate a person in real-time. It would be hard to dispute that this scandal has led to some of the worst examples of cyberbullying in history.  Fans have taken their loyalty to Ariana seriously, growing and morphing into an army of disgruntled, blood thirsty vigilantes.  With cast members continuing to stir up drama and engage in harassment, bullying and downright awful behavior, viewers struggle to discern what is real and what is edited.  A culture of hate has replaced one of growth and evolution.  While Scheana was infamously praised for her strength during the emotional chat with Sandoval on her couch last spring, I don’t think she could have written a better script on behalf of the dying franchise.  One can speculate “Good as Gold” and “Give them Lala” were never as profitable.  They've cleverly and shamelessly seized every opportunity at the expense of their former friends.  Meanwhile the two who started it all remained “virtually” unprotected by the Network they’d just blown up and almost completely abandoned by their family friend group. 

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Season 11 of Vanderpump Rules has also left many viewers feeling conflicted. While I've found myself rubbernecking at the train-wreck in front of me I've equally wanted to just look away.  It's awkward, scripted and a hard departure from what VPR once brought: a close knit group of friends who lived, worked and even slept together.  It now lacks the chemistry only obtained from the shared experience of growing up together on a reality show.  Instead we're seeing division resulting from the scandal.  Some cast members appear tired and over it, while others are still as raw as can be, and it makes a lot of sense given how differently each person handles fame and heartbreak in front of television cameras. Much of the current drama fans are already privy to from the last year of real-time updates through the Schenanigans and Give them Lala podcasts.  It feels confusing and bizarre to relive it.  I wonder if this is how many of the castmates feel when watching their lives or past arguments play out many months later?  

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The almost unrecognizable group is further divided by selective boundaries and tolerance. Episode 8, saw Katie referring to infidelity as "fathomless," as though the earlier days of the show have somehow been forgotten. Scheana, dressed like a late 90s Shania Twain, has also evolved, strutting through the SUR alley like it’s New York Fashion Week and she’s the newest addition to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. “Tom needs to show humility," she proclaims, though you can’t be mad at her, either. It would be a lie to say the cast hasn’t catapulted to reality TV royalty and they're not leaning hard into their roles.  It’s difficult to believe that Vanderpump Rules was once on the verge of being shelved and has now become one of the most profitable franchises.  Scandoval is one of the biggest reality TV moments we’ve seen in a long time.  The world witnessed a meek and mild, “Bambi-eyed” girl-next-door starting to find her voice against the regime of Lala and friends, but in the end landing as the mistress in the biggest sex scandal since Clinton held office.  Despite any of our feelings about Tom Sandoval, these are the moments that define pop culture.

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This season Tom looks worn, or as Lisa Vanderpump so eloquently put it in her posh accent, “a shell of his former self” from earlier years.  While I don’t know how much of this “reality show” is actually scripted, a poignant moment of reflection beside Billie Lee, one of his few comrades to not abandon him, was telling.  “My friends [LaLa and Scheana] showed the world how to treat me,” he states early on, and he’s not wrong.  Perhaps this is the first time we’ve seen a reality star, not a politician nor athlete, garner this much attention for such a relatable indiscretion.  And the world, at least North America, has expended their energy ensuring that Tom Sandoval knows just how much they hate him.  Is it possible that, though delivered with a poorly thought-out example, this is what he meant when he made those regrettable comparisons in the Times’ article?  

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It's tricky to imagine, however, where it will all go next. This season Tom’s disposition has markedly changed.  The scandal has visibly shaken him.  It’s not surprising his mental health has suffered.  In episode 3, you see Ariana channel an impeccable Regina George’s persona as she quips, “I’m not going to tell my friends to be all nice to him.  He still will not take responsibility for what HE did.  I can understand he’s had some thoughts and feelings and, you know, I’m a bitch for saying this…it’s annoying.”  Keep in mind this was only a few months past the event, though it does nothing but enable onlookers to pick and choose, deciding whose mental health is worthy of being heard and taken seriously.  Furthermore, Tom HAS repeatedly apologized and taken responsibility for what he’s done at this point.  The others involved simply are not yet ready to forgive him.    

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Could it be that Ariana is just afraid acknowledging his apology and groveling were genuine would mean the end of her moment in the spotlight?  

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Despite how it may sound, I don’t begrudge or judge Ariana for capitalizing on this gross infidelity and living her best life.  She has been through a lot, and none of us know the ins-and-outs of what we see on reality television.  But their relationship seemed to be as shaky as my husband’s jimmy leg during a Sunday church service.  From its inception it was riddled with rumors, lies, and “Golden Nugget” alibis that even jolted Jax.  About half a decade ago the former Vanderpump star said something along the lines of it being “the weirdest relationship [he’d] ever seen.”  At times Ariana and Tom seemed like they were both on very different paths.  At other times, they seemed very much in love.  Pre-Scandoval their relationship appeared like a business partnership, far from idyllic.  Cue a casual romp with Lala in the backseat, Season 2 Ariana completely ostracizing Kristen as the “crazy ex” while casually and callously stepping into the role of “the other woman” and gaslighting “Miami girl” for the world to see.   It was an image she would later say Tom had crafted, but during these moments she seemed to lean in as an equal partner.  If she wasn’t as in-bed with his lies as she appeared, I am glad she’s finally found her voice and her freedom.   

 

Bravo’s inconsistent complacency with some behaviors and not others has also presented ethical concerns.   Over the past few years the Network seems to have tightened the reins of what’s acceptable; however, policies seem unpredictable and messy.  They’ve fired cast members for racism while overlooking blatant bullying and questionable behaviour from both cast members and (though not yet proven) the host.   Recently, some former Bravolebrities broke their silence about the precarious nature of filming, including situations producers have created and encouraged.  During a bout of COVID, I holed myself up in my room to consume past seasons of VPR and I was again shocked by what I saw.  Watching the Season 10 Vegas trip made me feel sick to my stomach.   

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This is an unacceptable form of entertainment and it seems to be getting worse. Watching five girls pile onto Jo, Tom Schwartz's "friend" in a recent episode was both shocking and disturbing.    

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It isn’t hard to understand why a vulnerable and defeated Rachel previously left Vegas and ran into the arms of her friend.  Tom, not the Bravo network, was always the person going against the grain to stand up to the “mean girls.” It’s him and Tom Schwartz who regularly defended the outcasts.  While adults are responsible for their decisions, it is undeniable Lala’s relentless bullying and the unconfirmed but obvious emotional abuse inflicted by James likely played a part in landing Rachel where she did.    

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In addition to the lack of understanding/compassion for Rachel, over the past year, I've often read and heard people saying Tom clearly feels no emotion. Posts have stated that it’s impossible he could be in a deep, dark depression while carrying on with his band following Scandoval.  I believe it absolutely could be a reality for him.  It may have manifested through escapism, need for admiration or seeking others to fill a void of self-worth.   Trauma is subjective and highly individual.   The subsequent coping mechanisms to deal with that trauma also vary.  Prolonged time in an overwhelmed state could easily make navigation of social experiences impossible.  When a person becomes flooded with fragments of frightening thoughts, overwhelming sensations and terrifying emotions it’s hard to exist comfortably in their own skin.  Now I don’t know about you, but I'd probably be looking for an escape if I were Tom, too.  I may even throw on a pair of stilettos and play a set of bagpipes if I thought it could help.  In a situation such as this you either get better through healing and processing your emotions or bitter through suppression of those emotions.   While every one of the cast members has stated he should humble himself and reflect, it’s possible he couldn’t get there in those moments.  It’s also entirely possible the discomfort of sitting with himself caused a disassociation that led him to live out his glory days in a cover band, even if that was met with regular “boos.”

 

I once interviewed someone who’d spent months in prison and I asked them if they felt rehabilitation was possible.  They answered, “yes, it can be,” going on to explain that any feelings of remorse are quickly replaced with anger, rage and frustration.  These feelings were not connected to whatever the act itself was, but rather their treatment while in the system.   They felt all lawyers and judges should have to spend a mandatory period behind bars to understand the psyche of someone incarcerated.  Tom, like that former inmate, had seemingly been cast into a venomous system.  While self-inflicted, it was still one he couldn’t really escape.  Perhaps his experience, similar to his earlier questionable OJ comparison, was nothing like prison, and perhaps it was everything like it.  It’s possible that, like what was described by that former inmate, what remorse had previously existed had all but evaporated as he found himself deeper in a system that really didn’t give a sh*t about him, only what he could bring.  I am sure that on a very human level, his feelings of remorse were eventually replaced with frustration after repeatedly being treated as subhuman.  It’s easy to lose one’s moral compass when standing on guard and being beat down every single day.

 

While this article isn’t meant to downplay how anyone affected by this is feeling, it is to remember that there are many components of so-called “reality television" that we simply don’t witness.  While some would argue this is what a reality personality signs up for, I’d argue there are many unknowns when a person signs on that dotted line.  These include the events of their life as well as how the network will either protect or exploit those situations as they arise.  I agree with Lisa Vanderpump’s statement that, “people can only take so much” and it takes a pretty strong person to survive it.  Tom may have acted immorally, but he isn’t your ex, or my ex.  He’s not even a friend.  He’s a person on reality television who has been brave enough to share some of his most formative adult years with us: the good, the bad and the ugly with a decent amount of naivety tied to it.  His actions were wrong, plain and simple, however, sometimes good people do bad things and ultimately it's up to he and Ariana to sort out.  I hope, when the cameras are removed and the dust settles, more people will be able to see that in the mess of this whole situation there are real humans trying to navigate the complexities of a break-up while the whole world watches in HD.